Holding On
A true story appeared in "Leadership Journal" that parents of adolescents will identify with. On a commuter flight from Portland, Maine to Boston, the pilot heard an unusual noise coming from the rear of the aircraft. Turning the controls over to his co-pilot, he walked back to see if there was a problem. And indeed there was. The rear door had not been latched properly prior to take-off. Just then the plane hit an air pocket throwing him against the unlatched door which snapped open. Instantly the pilot was sucked out of the plane. The co-pilot, seeing the red emergency light, radioed the nearest airport asking for permission to land. After the plane landed they found the pilot -- holding onto the outdoor ladder of the aircraft. Amazingly he had grabbed the ladder as he was being sucked out, then held on for ten minutes as the plane flew 200 mph at 4000 feet. Then, as it landed, he managed to hold his head up just a few inches from the runway. He was alive, but it took the emergency crew several minutes to pry his hands from the ladder. If you are the parent or grandparent of a teenager you may have felt like that pilot from time to time. And, like him, you may have felt like giving up. The experience of raising teens can leave a parent white-knuckled and white-haired. Holding on can be excruciating, but it sure beats the alternative. The adolescent years can be some of the toughest, both for the child and the parents. Those are the years when most kids begin snipping away at the cords of the parent/child relationship and start seeking their own directions in life. As a natural part of this growing process most kids in their adolescent years begin examining their value systems. Younger children typically hold to their personal values simply because their parents hold to that same set of values. But in the adolescent years a child begins to build his value system on influences beyond his parents' sway. Peer pressure is at an all-time critical level. If relationships at home are not what they should be the balance can tip toward the values the child's peers. And that may not be a positive influence. That's why it is so important to build a strong relationship based on love, trust and respect throughout a child's growing up years. Still, even in the best of families, things can be rocky through the teen years. That is when many children leave the faith of their parents or rebel against their authority. Dr. James Dobson likens those years to a raft that has floated along relatively smooth waters suddenly dropping into raging rapids. A key to making it through the "rapids" of adolescence is maintaining a loving relationship between you and your child. It's extremely easy for parents to get sucked into a whirlpool of conflict when a child rebels against their authority. If not checked, the conflict can escalate into full-fledged warfare and damage the relationship long-term. This is not to suggest that as parents we shouldn't maintain standards or that we should compromise core values. But an important rule of thumb to remember is the old adage "choose your battles carefully." A few years ago a study of young adults revealed that the majority of children who rebelled in their teen years but who grew up in a loving Christian family eventually settled back into the values of their parents once they reached their 20s. In other words, hold on through the rapids, pray fervently, and don't allow conflict to capsize the boat. Chances are there are smoother waters just around the bend.