Helping Children Cope with Crisis
1. Model how to deal with painful feelings During a crisis we can all experience painful emotions. As adults, it is tempting to hold back our feelings of sadness, hurt, fear and anger. However, this can send a message to our children that it is not appropriate or necessary to express our feelings or, even worse, that we are not experiencing them. Be honest with your feelings - if you feel like crying, cry. If you are afraid, say so. This is an excellent opportunity for you to let your children know that it is normal to both feel and to express those feelings during a time of crisis. It will also give you an opportunity to let your children know that you are putting your faith in God when it comes to trusting Him for the peace and comfort you need. 2. Encourage children to talk about painful feelings When it comes to expressing feelings, children tend to act them out rather than talk about them. Asking your children questions like, "How do you think those people are feeling?" or "What do you feel about what you are seeing or hearing?" will require your children to think about the situation and to identify and express their feelings. Younger children may not always be able to find the words to communicate their feelings. Encouraging them to draw or paint a picture can help them to express their emotion. When they are done with the picture ask them to tell you their "story". This is a good time to just listen! 3. Empower children by giving them a chance to help and be involved When a crisis strikes it is normal to want to take some kind of action - this is true for both adults and children. We not only want to find a constructive way to channel our emotional energy, but we also want to express our sympathy and compassion to the victims. Encourage your children to write cards and letters or to draw pictures and send them to those most impacted by the crisis like the families of victims, rescue workers and even political leaders such as the President. As a family, you may want to attend a special community prayer service or donate needed items to a local Red Cross shelter. 4. Reassure your children that God is in control When children hear about a crisis their first response is to personalize it. "Will this happen to me or to my mom or dad?" Without minimizing the experience, let your children know that no matter what happens, God always has His hand on the situation. Let them know that a personal crisis, including death, is not imminent for them and that there will always be someone to take care of them. Remind your children of these truths as often as they may need to hear them. 5. Younger children may not be aware of the implications of the crisis - be patient with them Younger children do not have the capacity to understand the seriousness of a crisis. Their behaviors may reflect their lack of awareness and can be frustrating to observe. Watching the emotional responses of the adults around them can be scary and may motivate them to try and keep the situation light and as "normal" as possible. Remember that this is their way of coping with a confusing and frightening experience. Middle school aged children and even teens may also respond to a crisis with flip comments that reflect an apathetic or insensitive attitude. Don't chastise or argue with them and instead encourage them to put themselves in the place of the victim's family. Remind yourself that this response is normal and often results from fear and a sense of helplessness. 6. Avoid using euphemisms, clichés or pat answers During a crisis situation we are often at a loss for words. In an attempt to offer comfort and solace we may feel compelled to use statements such as, "They are in a better place now" or "Everything happens for a reason." Phrases such as these often do not address or validate the hurt and pain that we experience in a time of crisis. Instead, use phrases such as, "It must feel very scary and hurt very badly" or "I don't know why this happened and I feel angry too." 7. Turn off the TV Today's technology provides us with 24-hour coverage of the most important news happenings. Although the information and pictures are captivating we need to remember that many of the images are not suitable for young children. Although hearing about a crisis can by itself trigger fear and confusion, pictures that are indelibly etched into our minds can be difficult to cope with. Use good judgment and turn off the television or direct your children to alternative activities.
(Adapted from an interview with Dr. Paul Simpson on the
Intentional Living program, "Tragedy in America" 9/11/01)