Cutting Warriors
Shelly, a high school youth worker, relates this story about a young girl: “Last week, in our small group, one girl confessed to cutting herself. Before I knew it, everyone was talking about blades, knives, bleeding, burning, long sleeve shirts, and oblivious parents. I didn’t know what to say! I suspected the girl was “looking for attention.” I told them, “Everyone wants attention, but suicide attempts were no way to get it!”
Sadly, Shelly missed an opportunity to see behind the curtain into the conflicted lives of many teens today. Statistics show at least one percent of American youth regularly use self-injury as a way of coping with the world they live in. The following is a question and answer format that parents can use to address this potentially frightening adolescent behavior.
Just for perspective, how long it has been since you were 16 years of age? Before you become discouraged and believe you cannot relate to a generation
so vastly different than yours, read Isaiah 50:4. “The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know what to say to all these weary ones” (NLT). Prepare yourself with education and understanding, and trust God’s healing spirit to deliver the wounded to safety.
A widely accepted definition of self-injury is: ...the commission of deliberate harm to one’s own body. The injury is done to oneself, without the aid of another person, and the injury is severe enough for tissue damage (such as scarring) to result. Self-injury is not a suicide attempt. It is also not associated with sexual gratification, body decoration such as piercing and tattooing, or being cool. It’s been said: “A person who truly attempts suicide attempts to end all feelings, a person who self-mutilates seeks to feel better.”
Why would someone intentionally cut their arms, burn their flesh, or break a bone? Most self-injurers have underdeveloped skills for dealing with frustration. Self-injury is a behavior used to cope with difficult emotions. It may seem like the injurer is acting dramatic, rebellious, or manipulative, but it’s not that. Most likely their behavior is an attempt to handle uncomfortable feelings.
Self-mutilators typically share experiences in childhood that have resulted in fusing pain with comfort. As adolescents, these individuals may feel strangely secure when isolated and exposed to violence and pain.
Injury is a way to communicate what cannot be spoken. In the face of frightening feelings and high emotional arousal, the act of self-injury releases pent up anxiety, replacing it with a sense of control. Self-induced pain is manageable and becomes (temporarily) controllable.
It’s not about girls with black lipstick or pale boys in trench coats. One percent of the population reports engaging in self-harm. Maybe you recognize some of these names and their stories:
He is probably the star of one of your favorite summer movies. As a kid, Johnny considered himself “a pale no-hoper that never fit in.” In 1999, Depp made the statement: “My body is a journal in a way, like the old sailors where every tattoo has a specific meaning.” On his upper left forearm he has a series of seven or eight scars, commemorating different occasions or passages in life.
The deceased, beloved icon revealed she was a self-injurer in 1995. She confessed: “Sometimes you have so much pain inside yourself that you try and hurt yourself on the outside.” In her biography, it was said she slashed her wrists with a razor, cut herself with a serrated lemon slicer, and during an airplane flight, cut her arms, smearing blood on the cabin walls and seats.
Others familiar names include Fiona Apple, Colin Farrell, Angelina Jolie, and Christina Ricci. All have struggled with a desire to self-harm.
First, don’t take it personally; the behavior is about coping, not a response to your capabilities as a parent, friend, or teacher. Get educated. The Internet is full of helpful Web sites such as self-injury.org, or books like Cutting by Steven Levenkron. Offer support without validating the behavior. This sounds difficult and sometimes it is!
Here are several suggestions to help you address matters:
Talk about it – Removing the secrecy relieves some of the shame and allows the injurer to feel less alone. Send the message, “I will talk, but I won’t push.” Don’t worry if you don’t know what to say.
Make it clear you care – Be free with gestures of concern, even when they are not returned.
Offer a place of safety – Make your house, room, or telephone a place of safety where the injurer can “be” without pressure.
Set reasonable boundaries – Present yourself as a supportive person, not a “rescuer.” The behavior does not have to rule your relationship.
Don’t ask, “What can I do?” – Hurting people can’t think of things to make it “better.” Come up with your own idea and ask if you can do it.
Ultimatums do not work – Self-injurers will not “snap out of it or else.”
Invest time – Self-injury happens when the person is alone and in a state of emotional turmoil. Set the example of engaging in enjoyable activities and invite your loved one to join you.
An important ingredient in helping someone else is finding support for you. A knowledgeable professional or informed friend can help you process your negative emotions and frustrations. You will be a better source of support when you are not stuck in your own anger and disappointment.
As a parent, teacher, or friend, treasure any invitation behind the scenes into the real world of today’s youth. Shelly, the high school youth worker, probably wishes she had been better prepared when the opportunity to discuss the problem presented itself. The Bible offers a message of hope to youth looking for something to hold onto. Hebrews 6:19-20 (NLT) says: “God has given us both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can take new courage, for we can hold on to his promise with confidence. This confidence is like a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.”
Trust the instinct that tells you teen issues today are very different than in “your” day; they are. Also trust the God of all creation, because he encounters no new thing. Through His sufficiency, you can understand and aid youth caught in a culture of conflict. Don’t forget the admonition to parents in Ephesians 6:4: Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Parents can be guilty of engaging in needless power struggles with children, overburdening them with too many demands. Strive for balance.
Gigi Cook is a licensed counselor and Bible teacher. She is dedicated to helping teens and their families develop healthy, rewarding relationships. You can contact her by e-mail at Gpeek@gainusa.com.
Martin F. Perez is the Family Life Communications Incorporated Director of Marketing and Product Development, and serves as Editor-n-Chief for the ministry publication, Better Family Living Devotional.
The profile of a self-injuring adolescent and self-injury
People who self injure fall into somewhat of a “profile.” Nearly all will cut for five to nine years unless there is an intervention. Most tend not to regulate their emotions well, and the majority are highly impulsive. The general picture looks like this:
- Negative feelings about self
- Very sensitive to rejection
- Suppresses anger – focuses it inward
- Low impulse control
- Chronic anxiety
- Small repertoire of coping skills
- Difficult childhood experiences such as chaotic family conditions, ongoing parental conflict, neglect, emotional trauma or sexual abuse
- Feeling “invalidated” as a child – authentic emotional expression is trivialized, disregarded or punished
- Believe life is overwhelming and they can do very little to help themselves